Dear Ramapo: We Need To Talk!

 

imageDear Ramapo:

We need to talk!

We’ve been together a long time now. We started out together with so much in common and love in our hearts towards one another. However, there can be no denying that lately we’ve been drifting apart in our political marriage. It pains us to say it, but we have come to realize that we are now roadblocks to each other on our individual paths to happiness and we want a divorce, or as you would put it, we would like to get a ‘get.’

Please don’t blame yourself for any of this. It’s not you, it’s us.

kj-kiryas-joelOur breaking point came when we were watching TV last night and we learned that the ‘brothers of Aron’ living in Kiryas Joel want to get a ‘get’  from their secular partners in the Town of Monroe so they can live alone in their new Town of North Monroe where secularism can be kept out and your God can be kept in. That told us that you don’t love us anymore. So here in Rockland we have decided to get a similar ‘get’ from you and as the residents of Clarkstown and Orangetown we will think of living separately in a new City called ‘South Rockland’ where both God and secularism will be welcomed by George and Andy.

You have worked tirelessly all the time we have been together to create a very unique world for yourself where laws and rules fluidly bend or silently break to accommodate the lifestyle you want to lead. You are thriving in that world, and we admire your resourcefulness and creativity in removing the obstacles that stand in the way of your progress. We see how happy you are when you are in that environment, but we have also come to understand that we no longer fit in there. We no longer share the same visions and goals, which regrettably means that we are incompatible as long term partners.

Alden Wolfe

Alden Wolfe

Please don’t be upset, just give us the ‘get’ that you have practiced for centuries.

Remember when a man takes a wife and is intimate with her, and it happens that she does not find favor in his eyes because he discovers in her an unseemly matter, and he writes for her a document of severance, gives it into her hand, and sends her away from his house. She leaves his house and goes and marries another man — Deuteronomy 24:1-2.

We see how miserable we make you with our constant nagging to provide a standardized NYS education to kids in a building that meets basic fire safety standards. We don’t know why we fear that kids now growing up won’t be able to support themselves when we know that ultimately government welfare will provide for them anyway. We don’t know why we can’t stop worrying that children might die at school while desperately trying to escape from behind sealed doors in a fire when we know how statistically unlikely that is to happen.

Samuel Tress (left)

Samuel Tress (left)

We don’t know why we lie awake at night fretting over the environmental impact of rampant overdevelopment when we know full well that we will be long gone before that impact is felt. We don’t know why we worry about a sustainable water supply, or the civil rights of others, but we do. We can’t help it, but we recognize our constant nagging is making you unhappy, and in the process we have become unhappy ourselves.

For these reasons, we ask that you give us a ‘get’.

Christopher St. Lawrence

Christopher St. Lawrence

Don’t worry that we will ask for any of your assets in this divorce. You can have Christopher St. Lawrence, Samuel Tress, Alden Wolfe and the rest of them and we will even let you keep Aney Paul. We promise that we won’t say a thing if Aron Wieder replaces Ed Day as your County Executive – after all you already elected him as your ‘de facto’ county executive.

We know how hard you worked to get all those multi-family housing developments built and we know how much political capital was spent in getting them approved. You will now need to hire a new building inspector as your present one was arrested while he too was watching TV. We don’t want to take any of that away from you if you agree to grant us the ‘get’. You earned the poverty you are living in and we want you to keep that as a token of our appreciation for giving us our ‘get’. The same goes for the Medicaid benefits and the Section 8 status – they are all yours. We will pay for the Medicaid costs in our own new community and will not burden you in asking for any assistance from your legislature.

Anthony Mallia

Anthony Mallia

We hope you will not worry about our ability to live alone separated from your formerly warm embrace. We did share many, many happy years together before we grew apart and became exhausted by your interminable hang-up about being fruitful and multiplying. We will be in a happier place where we can abide by all of our own hangups – we admit that we have many – such as getting our children into a good college and keeping them off the welfare rolls. We know it might seem crazy, but we actually believe that kids should learn about science, literature and other cultures including those of the goyim. We will sleep better at night knowing that code enforcement is being conducted and zoning regulations are being upheld. Certainly, you will be happier not having to listen to us lecture you about these things any longer.

Aron WiederWe promise that if we get a ‘get’ from you and we fail without your puritanical ‘Wiederian’ wisdom to guide us, we will pick ourselves up and push onward and not return begging for food or shelter. If you fail without us, you know that with the steady guidance of Aron Wieder and Alden Wolfe, New York State will surely step in to support you even after you have converted all of your homes into religious institutions and depleted your own tax base.

We can both trust in that whatever the future holds, things will work out fine.

So now we say “Goodbye, Ramapo. Weep not for the memories“.

With warmest regards to the people of Ramapo

From the people of Orangetown and Clarkstown.

[This article was written with by James Foley and Michael Hull both of whom reside in Orangetown along with Jeff Gillies who resides in Clarkstown.]

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